Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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