so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
