Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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