This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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