i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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