My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
