guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
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you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
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This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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