Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
These tits shall not be calmed
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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