I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
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