I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
