shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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