life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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