I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
