Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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