I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
