Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
