the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
