Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
