after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
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want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
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On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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