So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
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