If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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