you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
