apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
