i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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