I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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