just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
