Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
