I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
