it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
