I accidentally had phone sex last night
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
