I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
