I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
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