Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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