I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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