who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
