dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
