I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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