Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
