What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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