The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
