Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
