there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
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I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
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I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
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