His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
