i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
