rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
