im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
