omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i will never coherently bang her
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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