Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize