he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
