Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
People with herpes should wear stickers.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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