Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
my shit smells like andre
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Randomize
