Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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