remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
